It’s my daughter’s one year birthday this month, and I’m sorry to sound so terribly cliche, but it really is astounding how quickly time can go by. I wanted to make sure to capture in this post some of what the first year with two young kids was really like – the bad and the good and the regular. Some of my thoughts:
1. Not to start things on a downer, but for many personal reasons, this was one of the worst years of my life. There were often times that I felt very depressed, sometimes close to a point where it frightened me. Not that the takeaway should be that having a child depresses you – though postpartum is something I could talk about in a whole other post – but if you already have a lot of stresses in your life, a new baby on top of a temperamental toddler can definitely compound it. It’s really important, to make sure that you are also taken care of. I can’t stress this enough. That being said…
2. The one year mark is really where things start to improve. Where you see the “light at the end of the tunnel.” Our daughter and our son are playing together! Sometimes. One of our neighbors has children in the early teens, and one day we were outside about to take a group walk in a massive stroller gang, and we ran into her son. “Where’s your mom?” we asked. “Taking a nap,” he said. My husband and I just looked at each other in wonder. Some day, this will be us!
3. Preschool + nanny is a killer cost. Oh my god! My son’s finally starting school this fall, at age 3. I know, I kept at home for too long, I should have gotten on the waitlist earlier, it’s my fault I’m so tired. But finally, it’s happening. I sent in the first deposit and now realize that our monthly costs are even more astronomical. I know it doesn’t have to be like this, there are plenty of other ways to arrange your childcare, and we’re lucky to have these options. But when you have kids close together…it’s crazy how these costs can stack on top of each other.
4. Sibling interaction is adorable! I’m an only child, so this has especially been heartwarming for me. When my son gives my daughter a hug or she looks at him with sheer love…I’m so incredibly happy.
5. Everyone has a hard time. Or at least I did/am. I know I’m kind of repeating myself with point #1 but I just think it’s really important. Sometimes I get messages or am even told by people in person that they think I have a nice life. That I “have it all”. I’m actually so embarrassed to type that out because it sounds so obnoxious but there it is. And I know I have a nice life and that I’m very fortunate in many areas but also I have to share that I have absolutely felt extreme despair. Depression. Struggle. Some of it related to having two little kids to manage on top of everything else but some of it completely unrelated. Absolutely I have struggled, I have cried, much more than I’d like to admit most days. Have sat in a corner in absolute panic about how I can possibly continue and proceed and forced myself to take a breath and get up and go on. And it always gets better, but there has been that struggle. So anyone out there having a tough time, whether its related to kids or not, and feeling alone, please know that you’re not. I don’t know if we all feel that way sometimes but I certainly have. Have you read V for Vendetta? “Even though I do not know you….I love you.”
And as a final, final send off – I just have to say that in my personal experience, despite all the difficulty, two has absolutely been worth it. I will always be thankful for my children for bringing joy, a consistent beacon of happiness in light times and dark.
51 Comments
Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life
July 9, 2018 at 8:31 amHappy birthday to your daughter!
With my health status, I knew that we couldn’t have two close in age, and then when I added up daycare for 1 plus daycare for a second, whew, I fainted. We’ve been on the waitlist for preschool since JB was a few months old and I STILL haven’t heard anything back so at this point, I’m resigned to paying for daycare until kindergarten starts. So – I hear ya! Those costs are killer!
For us, the first six months were incredibly, rock-mountain sheer-face climbingly, hard, so I can imagine that adding that first year to having a toddler means coming out with an amazingly tough year. I’m so glad you made it this far, and that you made it through that period with depression. It makes everything a whole heck of a lot heavier.
We’ve said time and again, having nice things and a good income to afford the luxuries you need or want are no match for depression. While your life looks nice from the outside, we have no reason to think that means everything is easy and rosy for you, and that’s important to talk about. People seem to believe there’s a reason to be embarrassed about struggling with mental health and that prevents a lot of them from asking for help or taking better care of themselves. Thanks for being honest with us. <3
Katherine
July 10, 2018 at 9:11 pmThank you so much and also my thanks to you for always being honest on your site. I know you are dealing with a lot from both external forces and your own physical limitations. You are a hero!
Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life
July 12, 2018 at 8:59 am<3
Diane W.
July 9, 2018 at 9:32 amHappy birthday to all of you on navigating your first year as a family of four! Quite an accomplishment….and certainly something to celebrate.
Katherine
July 10, 2018 at 9:11 pmThank you very much, Diane!
Anonymous
July 9, 2018 at 9:44 amHi Kat,
Happy birthday to Baby Feather #2 and congratulations for making it through! As a 30 year-old still struggling through her decision re: to baby or not to baby (although maybe biology will eventually make the decision for me), I appreciate your honesty more than I can express in a comment here.
Katherine
July 10, 2018 at 9:13 pmThank you! And don’t stress about it (too much, I know it’s hard) either way – enjoy your life, and your youth!
CL
July 9, 2018 at 10:26 amThank you for sharing your struggles with us. Sometimes it’s hard to speak up when you know you have a generally more fortunate life than many others but just know that your struggles are real, that they count, and that you matter.
Best wishes from a mother who can relate to everything you’ve said!
XOXO
Katherine
July 10, 2018 at 9:16 pmThank you CL and greetings to another mama 🙂
Mama, M.D.
July 9, 2018 at 10:36 amKat,
Congratulations on making it, and happy birthday to your daughter. We’ve spoken quite a lot about my own difficulties, so I sympathize with you— but beyond that, I applaud you for opening your heart to us. I’ve struggled with the idea of having another, but perhaps *knowing* the difficulty ahead of time, instead of discovering it de novo, will help. Thank you for opening the door to life with two: good bad and regular ❤️
MamaMD.GianninaMD.com
Katherine
July 10, 2018 at 9:17 pmThank you Mama!! I know you are a researcher like I am but with the question of another, I think in the end you have to know it is difficult and prepare for it as best as you can. You will do great either way!
DK
July 9, 2018 at 11:29 amHi Kathy,
Thankyou for sharing your experience so honestly.
Look after yourself.
DK xx
Katherine
July 10, 2018 at 9:26 pmThank you, DK.
DawninSac
July 9, 2018 at 12:54 pmCongratulations on making it through the first year with two under 3. However when it comes to the costs of caring for them, I provide you with condolences. As a mom to four who will soon all be in college at the same time— the costs of our kids is terrifying. Considering that yes we have college accounts for each one, not nearly enough to cover the escalated costs of higher ed – even at the instate or WUE costs. Couple that with the lesson learned that college savings accounts work negatively against receiving any time of financial aid it is looks even more grim. There is always merit aid, but even that does not take off the sting of looking at $125K CSU costs for 5 years- or 240K costs for a UC for 5 years—per kid at today’s costs not the cost in 17 years (darn near impossible to graduate from a public CA school in 4 years these days). All enough to make one want to run away and join the peace corps…. YOWZA. but….and its a BIG BUTT – this mum would not change the joy that comes with having a larger clan of yahoos running around.
Katherine
July 10, 2018 at 10:16 pmI don’t even want to think about college costs! Four kids…you are a superhero!
Brook
July 9, 2018 at 1:32 pmCongratulations on making it through the first year as a family of four. And thank you for sharing your struggles. Hearing someone else say they are having a difficult time can help others feel less alone. Sending warm wishes your way.
Katherine
July 11, 2018 at 9:00 amThank you Brook!
Anonymous
July 9, 2018 at 1:45 pmKat,
Thank you for sharing your personal ups and downs wrt raising 2 young kids. From the comment above, I wonder, how hard was it for you to enter Harvard? Was the GMAT easy for you? Did you prepare for it using outside resources? Did you receive any scholarships? Were you able to pay off your tuition? In the end, do you think it was worth it? Curious, because as the poster mentioned above, if the infancy/toddler stage is tough, wait until they are in their teens and thinking about entering college. I am curious to know how your (and possibly your parents’ ?) journey was entering Harvard. Just really curious given your kids may also want to go to Harvard and costs may be astronomical compared to preschool.
If you don’t feel like answering, I understand. Thank you for opening up. Postpartum depression seems to be common with Type A moms with an event that triggers it. Yes, you are not alone. I hope you are utilizing resources to help. At this day and age of social media, you would think people realize pictures mostly capture happy or good times. They do not reflect the real picture in front or behind the camera.
Take care.
Katherine
July 11, 2018 at 9:11 amThank you! Honestly graduate school was quite a while ago so I don’t remember all the details of the admissions process but I tried my best! Out of everything in school multiple choice/standardized tests are the easiest for me and I was myself a SAT tutor years ago. I feel that HBS was absolutely worth it, my career path has not been traditional but it has given me confidence to take time off and feel that I can re-enter at a later time.
TC
July 9, 2018 at 5:48 pmMy mother was a SAHM with live-in maids & nannies and we still drove her nuts ? Take it one day at a time.
Happy birthday to the youngest Feather!
Katherine
July 11, 2018 at 9:12 amThank you very much TC!! I would love to hear your thoughts on the new BV designs once they are underway!
Gina
July 9, 2018 at 5:48 pmHi. I’m a long time lurker. But I just wanted to say I’m sure you are rocking it. I have 3 young kids under 6 in the Bay area and it is hard at times (college looks so cheap next to nanny costs and ft preschool. And both look ridiculously cheap next to housing) and amazing at other times.
It gets better and better (and harder at some points). Hang in there. Hang out with friends who don’t bat can eye when you’re kid is tantruming. Find your tribe (most likely when your son starts preschool). Give yourself lots of grace. Your kids will feel it, too.
Katherine
July 11, 2018 at 9:12 amThank you so much, Gina! And anyone surviving with 3 young kids in the Bay Area is a magician. You are the one rocking it!
Anonymous
July 9, 2018 at 6:23 pmI love/appreciate this post, Kat. You do seem to have it all 🙂 You are crazy well-educated, married your Mr. Right, have two adorable kids (one boy and one girl), and seem to be well off. And you seem to have come from a very good family background. Anyway, I would totally be jealous of you, but you seem like such a genuine and kind person that I just can’t. You’re too likeable haha. Thanks for helping me feel not alone! Happy almost bday to your baby girl <3
Katherine
July 11, 2018 at 9:13 amThank you so much and believe me I am quite often fairly insufferable!
Wendy/www.wannabeliz.com
July 9, 2018 at 6:24 pmHI Katherine! Thanks for sharing! I feel overwhelmed often enough.
My Parents are elderly. My Mother has been disabled for the past 4 years. Mon-Fri I get them ready before I go to work. When I get Home from work, I clean and get my Mother ready for bed, before I can get to bed. Sat and Sunday are my Dad’s days off and I watch her. Not to mention, I’m lazy and in not so good health. I can’t ever just get out of bed when I’m ready. I can imagine that is how parents feel! It is however a pleasure to help them. When I feel especially overwhelmed I tell myself that millions of people do what I do and under worse circumstances! Hope it gets better for you! Looking forward to your book!
Wendy/www.wannabeliz.com
July 9, 2018 at 6:29 pmI seriously enjoy your blog! You are so kind and engaging! I Pray for the best for you!
Katherine
July 11, 2018 at 9:14 amThank you so much Liz. You certainly don’t sound lazy to me. What you are doing for your parents is a wonderful, kind and generous act (even if you may not feel that way all the time), and the role you are assuming as the caretaker is one not adequately mentioned or recognized in society. Bravo to you.
Nvie
July 9, 2018 at 8:38 pmThings get better, Kat. Hang in there…there’s always up and down moments with kids. My live-in maid is always amazed by how well my boys behave when they are with my husband without me. Everyone is saying the boys are just trying to give me a hard time and they do when I’m with them. Thank God that I work full-time, that really keeps me sane but on the other hand, I’m not there when they come back from school with all their stories. Cost for kids have always been a killer and it’s going up and up. One can’t have it all, just count our little blessings and move on one step at a time. Take care and be in good spirits always.
Katherine
July 11, 2018 at 12:55 pmThank you NVIE, I remember you speaking about your helper before and you both sound wonderful and fortunate to have each other.
Sammie
July 9, 2018 at 9:23 pmHi Kat,
Happy birthday to baby feather #2! Thank you for sharing and being so open with your heart. Having children has caused me to have an immense (compounded with being type A) amount of anxiety, but come to think of it-maybe a bit of it was postpartum too?
Anyway, keep your head up —and even on your darkest days, I hope you know we are all here to see you through.
Take care mama!
Katherine
July 11, 2018 at 12:56 pmThank you so much Sammie!
Megan S.
July 10, 2018 at 7:13 amI have been a long time reader and I have a 22 month old girl and 4 year old boy. Reading your post really hits home! Last summer was the most difficult time in my life and this summer has been SO MUCH BETTER. All I can say is that I know exactly what you are talking about and hang in there! Keep up the good work, Momma!
Katherine
July 11, 2018 at 12:56 pmOur kids are really close in age although I’m a year behind and you don’t know how many times I read your comment! Next summer, here we come! Thank you Megan!
Julie W.
July 10, 2018 at 7:54 amHappy birthday to your baby girl! Thank you for sharing your experience so openly. My husband and I are thinking of having children, but there are definitely moments when I’m terrified of all that’s to come. It’s comforting to hear that everyone goes through the same things, regardless of their background and situation.
Katherine
July 11, 2018 at 12:59 pmThank you Julie, and good luck with your decision! Don’t be terrified, enjoy as much as you can and when things are stressful, you can read my posts, lol!
Anonymous
July 10, 2018 at 3:38 pmHappy birthday to Babyfeather! On a lighter note, I have always enjoyed your interviews. One person I do love you to interview and long overdue is YOU! You mentioned that people in person think you have a nice life. I think so too. I would love to know more about you.
One talent you possess more than others is your ability to read fast. I mean super fast. One novel a week on top of articles on the internet is a lot along with maintaining a sane household with two young children. Did you always read fast? Did you read fast in grade school? Do you skim through words as you read? Any tips is appreciated. Do you purposely try to read one novel a week? Nowadays, preschool emphasizes on sight words to help children speed through reading. Would be fascinated to know how it began for you and how you intend to have the little feathers embark on your reading habit.
I enjoy your blog. Keep it up!
Anonymous
July 10, 2018 at 6:39 pmI’m another anonymous (who commented above haha). Just wanted to agree with you! i would love to know about you, Kat! And can you please share “how” you became so smart? 😀 Did doing well in school come naturally to you or did you have to work hard too (and if so, in what ways)?
Katherine
July 11, 2018 at 9:30 pmOMG you are too kind and I don’t think I am “so” smart, honestly any intelligence I have comes from my love of reading (elaborated in my comment below). I did not always do well in school, and in certain things like math, science, I had to work really hard at as it doesn’t come as naturally to me as words.
Anonymous
July 12, 2018 at 6:04 amThanks for your reply, Kat! My nephew is only one and a half y.o., but ofc I want him to do well in school when he grows up hehe 😛 I’ll try to encourage him to read more when the time comes then (if he’ll listen to me that is lol)! And yes, girl, you are so smart! I’ve always been a slow learner and did only ok in school, so I am in awe of people like you 😀
Katherine
July 11, 2018 at 9:28 pmYou are too kind! I’m very shy in person but I will definitely share any (if at all) interviews I do in the future! Honestly reading is probably the great love of my life AND one of the only things I think I am good at. I love it and thus I prioritize it, almost always at the detriment of my sleep. I do read fast and I was kind of born that way I think, or at least I’ve read fast for as long as I can remember. I actually don’t always read one novel a week – sometimes I read two, and sometimes none, so it does even out 🙂
Ahhhsoneo
July 11, 2018 at 11:49 amI love your honesty on your baby posts. I’m a one and done for the simple reason that the depression and anxiety of year 1 for baby o e was enough to make me know that i could never survive another baby. Having being born and raised in a foreign country where my siblings have live in nannies and family to rely on, ive come to believe that the do-it-alone systemwe have here in the US is a form of torture. Post-partum is no joke.
Happy birthday to babyfeather2. Are annoying people starting to enquire about number3?
http://ahhhsoneo.com
Katherine
July 12, 2018 at 9:10 amThank you so much! And nobody inquires about #3 as I’m very clear I am done!! Haha!
A
July 13, 2018 at 5:24 amI am one of those followers who had a parallel life with you(kind of a different universe). We are the norm regular hi tech silicon valley family(no harvard degrees ;)) and have a toddler who just turned 3 and the younger one is 15 months. Sure you can imagine the cost of an infant day care and a prescool and add to that a bay area rent! We bit the bullet and bought a home and now the mortgage is double the rent 😡
I sure agree with you on everything you said so far about having a second kid or two under two. We also did it with the hope that we will be done with the kids once and we can carry on with our careers! I do repent it though. I wish I had kids atleast 3 years apart. Yes there are times when the older one “seem to like” the younger one, but its been 15months and there does not seem to be light at the end of the tunnel! They are constantly at each others necks. At 3 my older one is now interested in babies, but her sister is not a baby anymore! And thanks for being candid on your blog. I have never been through depression. We laugh the sibling battles off even though most times I pull my hair out! People tell me to hang in there for a couple more years(when the older one is 5) that seems like a distant future and not sure if I will survive it. I hope you get through this phase and continue doing what you do best, read write and keep us engaged!
Mai
July 15, 2018 at 9:50 pmTotally understand regarding depression. But for each baby it was different for me. Baby no. 1 I had depression, although thankfully it didn’t last long. Baby no. 2 I had incontinence. Sigh.
KRISTIN
July 27, 2018 at 7:43 amKat – I always appreciate your candid and honest views , especially in a world where it’s so easy to show only the adorable moments. I absolutely love being a mother, and look forward to having another, but its not without its struggles. I have no doubt your humor and honesty go a long way! My respect for you, and all the mamas, is endless.
Katherine
July 31, 2018 at 2:58 pmThank you so much!
Herl ives
July 31, 2018 at 12:43 amHi Kat,
Happy birthday to your daughter! I love your honesty on your baby posts. Thank you for sharing your experience so openly. My husband and I are thinking of having children. Hope so your experience is helping and inspiring to being parents. Wish you all the best.
Katherine
July 31, 2018 at 3:00 pmThank you!!
Wei
July 31, 2018 at 8:53 pmCongratulations surviving the first year!! Oh girl, I feel you 100%. This past year with 2 kids has been crazy hard. Harder than I could ever have imagined. But I truly believe that everything always works out in the end. For the days are long, but the years are truly short.
zmenger
August 3, 2018 at 10:59 pmMy baby girl is 4 months old, with two older boys of 5 and almost 8, life is very exhausting. Thank goodness they are cute and sweet when they sense the end of my patience approaching. I often tell my husband, children is a way of living forever, why would u think that’s gonna be easy? Look at how many have died looking for the elixir of immortality, at least it’s very unlikely that we will die from child rearing. :p