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A short post today. I am writing this on Sunday night, finishing up the week which has been our spring break – I know a lot of people go to start theirs this week! For ours, we went to the beach for a few days with another family which was really nice. It’s great to have the kids old enough where they can play for hours as long as there are other kids and the parents can just sit back.
I’ve been thinking about having a third child lately. Which is somewhat insane just because I don’t think I would actually be able to do it. For a long time I didn’t think I even wanted one child, and then after that I didn’t think I wanted two, so to think that I actually might want three is kind of mind boggling. But this time, I feel much more that a third kid isn’t actually going happen for a multitude of reasons. There’s multiple emotions tied into it, the knowledge that I’m getting older and it would be way harder to recover; the fact that I will never have that baby phase again and I wish I had appreciated it more at the time. There’s also the fact that I’m quite certain I’ve forgotten a lot of how difficult it was – for example, last week beach it was actually a pretty relaxed vacation…the kids can all play on their own, feed themselves, etc. I could just sit and chat with my friend. To have a baby would be to start over on that front. And the time, and my existing workload, and etc etc etc.
I know a lot of people have kids at my age and add a third, fourth, fifth! I just don’t think it’d be the best decision for me (and somewhere my husband is breathing an enormous sigh or relief). But it’s still sad.
Anyway, a little bit more of a personal post today – but I’ve shared my life over the years and wanted to write about this, in case anyone else is having these thoughts, or has gone through a similar journey. If so I’d love to hear from you!
37 Comments
Sharon
April 18, 2022 at 10:24 amIt can be a dilemma! When I had my kids, I was pretty young (first at 23, second at 26). I always wanted 3…especially since I really wanted to try for a girl. But…Ex-husband wanted 2. He started making noises about a 3rd when youngest was 6…at that point it was too late for me…told him he should have said that 4 years before! I did have a scare, but wasn’t pregnant, so in order to avoid that again, I had my tubes tied at 34. My first grandchild is a girl, so I got my wish!
Kat
April 23, 2022 at 5:44 pmI am surprised to find myself thinking of grandchildren when my own kids are only 4 and 6! In retrospect I would have had my kids younger, like you did 🙂
Alisa G
April 18, 2022 at 10:56 amIt’s a decision you should both make together; there’s no “right” answer. If your husband has a strong preference it’s important to discuss thoroughly, including scenarios of serious medical conditions. And I don’t know how old you are, Kat, but I had my two at age 35 (son) and 39 (daughter) and everything was fine.
I would say, though, that you should try to imagine life beyond the baby phase because you know how brief that is!
Kat
April 23, 2022 at 5:45 pmThanks so much for sharing your experience.
MM
April 18, 2022 at 10:57 amThank you for being so vulnerable! I can relate- I’m approaching 35 and am very much wanting a child when previously I was leaning towards not having kids. I’ve been reflecting a lot recently on the “wisdom” many woman in my generation grew up with- get your career, finances, life settled before having kids. I’m certainly fortunate to be in a good place now to have kids if my partner and I decide to do so- but would it have been such a bad idea to prioritize children earlier? Lots of questions that don’t do me a lot of good now, but I always have appetite to hear of others’ journies!
I am sorry you are feeling sad! Thank you agian for sharing.
Kat
April 23, 2022 at 5:46 pmI totally get where you are at – there are pros and cons to having kids at every age in my opinion. Actually not my opinion – it’s the truth!
Anonymous
April 18, 2022 at 11:15 amAfter three pregnancy losses, I am still hopeful for a second child at age 35! Kat – I normally don’t talk like this but what I am hearing from this post is how much you really want a third child subconsciously and your rational mind is trying to talk you out of it. Sometimes it’t not the rational side of us that knows the true answers. It might be hard but a lot of things worth doing in life are really hard. I know I sound like a psychic but wanted to share my honest perspective.
Kat
April 23, 2022 at 5:46 pmI’m so sorry to hear about your losses and thank you for sharing <3. I am wishing for a healthy 2nd pregnancy for you!
Abby
April 18, 2022 at 12:01 pmI had a third and feel the same way about a fourth! I felt strongly that I would regret not having a third (and my husband felt the same) so we went for it, but it has been tough starting over. The hardest part is that the other two get less attention and that’s the biggest reason we won’t have another – we wouldn’t be able to parent the way we’d like. I’m not sure if I truly do want another, but I do feel like I finally enjoy babies and am so sad that this chapter of my life is ending. Best of luck with whatever you choose!
Kat
April 23, 2022 at 5:46 pmThat’s an interesting point and one I’ve heard. Thank you for sharing!
Lilian
April 18, 2022 at 1:56 pmI was in that very spot you are in, wishing for a third – for us it not possible any longer for medical reasons that could certainly be “helped” with surgeries, et. al., but we decided against it. That said, it would be easier (you know what you’re doing, what to prep for, older kids make for excellent helpers and are already independent) and harder (recovery, finances, and pretty much year 1 is just HARD). That said, if both y’all are on-board with the idea? And it feels right? Do it. Babies are precious.
Kat
April 23, 2022 at 5:47 pmThank you Lilian 🙂 You always have wise feedback.
heebie-geebie
April 18, 2022 at 3:28 pmMy very silly but also honest answer is that I wish I could jump around in my childrens’ lives. Have them be a baby for a day, and soak it up, especially now that I know more about who they’ll turn out to be. Have them be 12 and be so breath-takingly adult-seeming in how they move through the world. Then have them be 2 and just want to be the world’s biggest helper. And so on. I want to sample all their selves.
A.S.
April 18, 2022 at 6:03 pmThis is such a beautiful sentiment.
Kat
April 23, 2022 at 5:47 pmI agree with A.S – beautiful sentiment!
SHU
April 18, 2022 at 5:40 pmI did … in 2016. And now she’s four :). Other two are 8 and 10.
In all seriousness I felt i would regret not doing it more than doing it, so we went for it! And now I really feel done. Before I didn’t. I’m very glad we went for it!
Kat
April 23, 2022 at 5:47 pmThank you so much for sharing, a 4, 8 and 10 year old sound like fun!!
AY
April 18, 2022 at 11:40 pmI can totally relate, except we’re considering #2. We finally decided to go for it. My husband and I were making all these rational assumptions and calculations about how it’s better for us to just raise our only child as an only child (he’s 4) and it’s scary to start over. But deep down, we knew we wanted to try for another, so we just started trying. I’m 37 and not sure how things will pan out, and I do fear that my son will get less attention if we have another child, but here’s hoping. Maybe everything will work out.
Kat
April 23, 2022 at 5:48 pmI’m wishing for a safe pregnancy for you 🙂 And I think things will work out! 2 is manageable in my experience (but tough at first)
Jeannine520
April 19, 2022 at 4:03 amWe fully intended to have a third right away but underestimated the impact having twins that wouldn’t sleep at the same time for two entire years would have on us. I never had more than 40 minutes where they were both asleep at the same time. Even with help I never slept more than two or three hours in a row. It killed me. Once they were over that I felt like I really needed a break. Here we are now, they’re 9 years old and still haven’t moved forward with our plan. The pandemic is to blame for the last two years delay because we felt it was too big of a risk. But what now? If it pops into my head when I’m trying to go to sleep it honestly sends me into a bit of a panic attack. Arrgghhh!!! I know we’re all different but if one has the resources, both of them (money AND time) and are dedicated to being a parent I think a third, or even fourth child is a great idea.
Kat
April 23, 2022 at 5:48 pmTwins is a whole different ball game! I totally get where you are at! And the pandemic has changed so many people’s plans I think.
KT
April 19, 2022 at 9:05 amHi Kat, I have had the same feelings as you. I’ll be 44 this year. Had my two (8 & 10) when I was 34 & 36. Even at this age I think about having a third. Part of me says do it, but the rational part loves that the kids are independent and I am also knee deep in volunteering for all of the activities the kids do. I love the volunteering and being with other inspiring parents and adults. I also went back to playing tennis regularly. Basically, my life is back to normal. I don’t think I could start all over. I would not look forward to the sleepless nights.
Kat
April 23, 2022 at 5:49 pmI am with you on your last two points…it’s nice to hear that others are in the same position. Thank you 🙂
Lisa Richards
April 19, 2022 at 4:29 pmI had similar longings for a third child but knew that I wouldn’t be able to be the best mom if I was spread so thin, trying to raise three kids. No regrets. My second child was later diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum and having ADHD so I am glad we did not have a third child as so much of my energy is needed to help him.
Kat
April 23, 2022 at 5:49 pmThank you for sharing Lisa. I do feel that I know my limits…but also feel the same longing as you did.
Megan S.
April 21, 2022 at 10:44 amI have an 8 y/o and a 5 y/o I had at 30 and 33 and now I am pregnant 30 weeks pregnant with #3 at 38. My husband and I are both from families of 3 kids and always knew we wanted 3. We started trying almost exactly 2 years ago and I had 3 miscarriages (2 of them missed miscarriages) after getting pregnant the first time we tried with the first 2 kids and the first miscarriage. Saying it was rough is an understatement. All I can tell you is if you are at all on the fence or thinking about it…do it now! It truly is harder to get pregnant as a “geriatric” person. Once I got over the fear of having a viable pregnancy (as much as I can, of course) this time has actually been easier in that I won’t have a toddler vying for my attention 24/7 like the last time. I can also tell my kids I’m going to take a nap when I want to! While I have no clue what life is going to be like with 3 I feel like we can make it work somehow. There is no right answer though, it’s what is best for your family!
Kat
April 23, 2022 at 5:49 pmCongratulations!! And thanks so much for sharing your perspective…I know that age does make a difference, I felt it with my 2nd as well…
VS
April 22, 2022 at 8:47 amKat, thank you for sharing! This is such a bittersweet topic for so many of us. I would have loved to have another one after my son was born 10 years ago. Unfortunately, nature did not cooperate. We decided that we were so lucky to have one perfect kiddo that we would not go further down the assisted reproductive technology path (stopped at diagnostics which explained why conceiving was difficult) and would focus that energy on enjoying our time with him. I think it was the right choice for us, but I am also sometimes wistful about our family not looking the way I had thought it would. No decision is regret proof I think, and we can just make the best decision at the time with the information we have on hand.
Kat
April 23, 2022 at 5:50 pmThat’s a very wise statement that no decision is regret proof. I am an only child and really enjoyed having a closer relationship with adults, btw 🙂
VS
April 25, 2022 at 12:45 pmKat, that is so kind of you to say. I do worry about our only child being lonely 🙂 so it’s nice to hear about the good parts from other only children. Have a great week!
Lara
April 22, 2022 at 10:04 pmI always wanted a big family but then the realities of life (and expenses of having kids) caused me to change my mind. My husband and I had planned to have 2. I had a hard time getting pregnant with my second and we did IVF. I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant and I’ve changed my mind many times this pregnancy on whether to have another. We have one more embryo but this pregnancy has also been so challenging – physically and emotionally. I think for now I’m content with 2, but one of my best friends is pregnant with number 3 and it makes me consider having a third.
Kat
April 23, 2022 at 5:50 pmCongratulations Lara! I am wishing you a safe pregnancy…and I totally get changing your mind over and over.
CL
April 23, 2022 at 3:44 amAt 44 and staring down the barrel of perimenopause, I find myself not minding the idea of having a 4th child. For us, unless there’s some kind of medical miracle (husband had a vasectomy seven years ago), it’s not going to happen. And even if it could, should it?
After 3 years of trying unsuccessfully and multiple miscarriages, I got pregnant with our 3rd baby at the age of 34. During that last pregnancy (after two completely normal pregnancies), I had terrible hyperemesis for the first 21 weeks where I was literally starving as my body suffered through vomiting 9-12 times a day. It was so horrible that I told my husband that if we had a gun in the house, I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t have used it. I was starting to go out of my mind from the physical toll at the tail end of the torture that was my hyperemesis.
It was a dark and difficult pregnancy where nothing went right. My OB diagnosed me with gestational diabetes and worried that the baby would be 10 lbs or larger at delivery (despite being Asian and having only delivered two 7 pound babies previously). My daughter was born full term at 5 lbs. the doctors had no explanation why none of their ultrasound measurements were accurate nor was the gestational diabetes diagnosis. One nurse offered an explanation byway of a flippant comment, “Your placenta was probably just incompetent.” to explain how my baby would have starved to death had I delivered any later than I did. I still feel guilt to this day at the thought of how she must have been slowly starving inside of me for at least the last two weeks of my pregnancy.
The first few months of her life, no matter how much she ate (alot!), she couldn’t maintain a good weight to the point of her pediatrician telling us to just feed her butter because otherwise she will be labeled “failure to thrive” and possibly be taken away from us by Child Protective Services. Presently, though skinny for her age, she is a perfectly healthy 10 year old, lovely child whom I am thankful for every day. I will always feel lucky to have her.
My kids are now 18, 14, and 10 and I love their age gap because I feel like I was able to devote a lot of attention to each one during their baby years. Having a 4th now would mean that the newest baby won’t get very much time with us in its life compared to his/her siblings and that’s if the baby won’t end up having any birth defects or if I were sick during pregnancy again or if I’m not already too poor of health to have a safe delivery. Will I survive another pregnancy? Will the baby? Yes, these are the things that I worry about at the prospect of a 4th baby at my age.
I believe most women don’t regret having their children no matter their life circumstances so I play with fantasizing about a baby we won’t have and resign myself to looking forward to spoiling my future grandkids.
I think being sad knowing you don’t plan to have any more babies is completely normal. In the end, despite everything, I still feel that if you can financially and your health isn’t a concern, then yes having another baby would be completely wonderful and absolutely amazing. <3
Lilian
April 23, 2022 at 7:02 amI am in tears reading this, and just wanna give you a hug! So glad you and your baby is doing well, despite what was clearly an incredibly challenging pregnancy!
Kat
April 23, 2022 at 5:51 pmCL thank you for sharing this (though I am quite livid at the threat of CPS??). I’m so glad that everything worked out.
kg
April 30, 2022 at 6:52 amPerhaps consider rereading some of the environmental posts you’ve written. Our planet is melting due to humans and our over-consumption. We need fewer humans, not more. We especially don’t need more humans in wealthy families that use resources at rates thousands of times higher than the world’s poorest residents. Hopefully you can find contentment in your current 2 children. A third isn’t a guarantee of anything – my friend in your position had a third child with a severe disability, the stress of which fractured their family structure.
heebie-geebie
May 2, 2022 at 6:06 amI see it differently – our planet is melting due to society’s inability to cooperate and impose a meaningful, coordinated solution. The only possible way to mitigate climate change is through collective action; individually uncoordinated solutions are mostly just stochastic noise. Raising kids to be activists who will fight on behalf of the vulnerable and the planet outweighs the damage done by their individual levels of consumption.