Today is Feather Factor’s six year anniversary….yes, six!
Because I’ve been writing here for so long, and feel that the site has become such a part of my life, I wanted to share some news today with you all – that we’re expecting a new addition to our family, due in summer! I never thought I would be the sort of person to attempt “two under two” (three years ago I hadn’t even heard of the term, and had I been told what it meant, would have probably said it was loony) but oh, how things change when you have kids. I could write a whole separate post on how much we went back and forth on family timing, whether we should group our kids close together, the pros and cons, etc, but I’ll save that for another time (or never, if you guys are bored by the topic).
Instead today, I wanted to share some updates on a few parts of my life since having our first child. The first is related to my job. At the time when I took maternity leave for our first baby, I ended up extending my leave for as long as possible, which at my company was around six months. When that was up I wasn’t really ready to go back yet, but I didn’t have a choice…so I quit. At first I thought I’d just stay at home a bit longer until I felt more ready, and then a few other things got in the way. My husband’s work travel schedule became quite extreme for a while, and all the jobs I really wanted, required me to travel a lot as well. I didn’t see how it could work to have both of us gone frequently, sometimes at the same time, with a young baby at home. I know that plenty of other families thrive in this situation and I’m sure we could manage too, but at the end of the day I made a certain decision. Which I’ve been mostly happy with, but at times it has been a great struggle.
I never thought that I’d be at home with a baby (or babies)…for what at this point, is looking like at least a few years, before I can go back to work, hopefully for good. This was never, ever the life I expected for myself…it wasn’t even a hazy scenario I entertained a few years back. I put quite a lot into my work and career, obtained an overpriced graduate school education…no way was I going to put that on pause. But it’s happened, and like many topics regarding motherhood I could write a whole book and the whys and hows…but I won’t for now. All I’ll say for now is that I feel so much guilt, guilt every day. Guilt for taking a break from my career, guilt for being at home, but most of all guilt for complaining at all because I know that not having to work is an immense privilege in itself. Oh man.
There’s been a lot of ups and downs. I had an early miscarriage right before this pregnancy, so I feel like I can never breathe totally easy with this one…there’s always this part of me that has a great fear. When it happened it was something I kept quite secret and close to me. I often felt alone afterwards…even though it was early on, it was more distressing than I thought it’d be. Until I wrote this I had only told a small group of people, and encountered such a range of reactions…both incredible consideration and kindness, as well a surprising lack of sensitivity. I hope that by writing about my experience I can add my voice to the many which already exist out there. I’m constantly haunted by fears of it happening again. Unlike with my first pregnancy, I find myself looking forward to every doctor’s appointment, no matter how inconvenient, because it’s one additional check point I have that our baby is doing okay.
Besides those fears, the pregnancy has been going fine, though I’m having a tougher time this round than the first. I can definitely feel that my body is older this time…and having a toddler is already aging it exponentially! I’ve been sick constantly, my skin is going crazy, and I also feel like I’m just “showing” my belly so much earlier…I kind of feel like my body is saying to me, “That’s it! You’re doing this to me again, I give up, I’m going to just let the stomach out….out….all the way, yup, that’s more like it.” That being said, of course these are minor complaints compared to the happiness of having a baby. When I first realized we were going to have another kid I was absolutely terrified of how to manage two little ones (and still am), but each day I’m more and more excited to add another member to our family.
Thank you all so much for reading along with me all these years, and for allowing me to share my joy with you. So thank you, thank you again, I mean it more sincerely than I can adequately express.